The Colonel's 'Cost-per-Knob' Index

Which is cheaper: sex for money, or sex within the hallowed institution of a loving marriage as endorsed by the pope?

Let me paint the parameters of this painstaking research first: All statistics are based on American figures for consistency. Well that plus they've got more divorce lawyers than you could point a pit bull terrier at, so statistics from the US Census Bureau are plentiful.

The median duration of a marriage is 7.2 years, and the median age of divorce is 35.6 for men. During that time, sex - more commonly known as Giving the Ferret a Run, Hiding the Salami, Putting the Tool in the Shed, the Matrimonial Polka, or the Magic Disappearing Cane Trick - is likely to rear its ugly head 6.9 times per month (according to Edward O Laumann, Americanbabies.com). But let's go with some more generous statistics from the Illinois State University, who say that married couples Make the Beast With Two Backs two to three times a week in their twenties.

Assuming the average man therefore marries at 28 years of age, let's allow for three Horizontal Cha-Chas per week for three years, two per week for the next three years, and then - as kids and boredom from eating from the same menu and dissatisfaction creep into the game - let's say once a week for the remaining 1.2 years. That, ladies and genitals, gives you a grand total of 842.4 rounds with the Chubby Conquistador (well, you remember that time you fell asleep on the job, don't you?).

Now, my good friend Dr Sam Vaknin - financial consultant and economic advisor to the stars - calculates that the average couple in the west accumulates assets of US$100,000 over seven years of marriage. We could argue maybe a little more for expats, but let's stay with the conservative figures.

If divorce now takes place, kiss goodbye to half your assets. It just cost you $50,000 for 842.4 grease and oil changes. Cost-per-Knob: $59.35 per time with the Chief of Staff.

But, and this is a big but (perhaps I should spell that 'butt'!): the cost of legal fees, etc, for the divorce itself is $15,000 and takes a year to complete. During that time, let's presume the Purple-Helmeted Warrior of Love is enjoying no attention from your ex-partner (although, if the mood seems right, you might want to ask if you could finish off that missing 0.6 from the better days).

Plus, you've had two kids in the meantime, and the cost of child maintenance for two kids is 27% of net wages. This could be more for expats, but let's just call it a nice even $1,000 per month. For a period of, oh, 13 years just till the older one turns 18. So we're on the low side again. That's a total of $156,000 in child support.

So you actually spent $221,000 for those 842.4 Air-flown Kobe Beef Injections at a Cost-per-knob of $262.34 a piece. But hold on, we haven't even factored in those fancy dinners, cocktails, bunches of flowers on Valentines Day (or the day after, when she reminded you), fur coats, and trinkets. Oh, the trinkets!

Now let's look at the alternative. You swan down to Soi Nana in Bangkok. Let's call it the epicentre of the universe, just for illustrative purposes you understand. You browse the 3-D living blackboard menu on stage, with the soup of the day changing everyday, with Chef invariably offering a specialty of the house.

Let's say you're between 35-45, slightly overweight and balding (ie, you possess all the best attributes of the male species!). According to the website www.bangkokbargirls.info someone of that description would averagely be paying 1,195.12 baht for a Bounce With Mr Wobbly at Soi Nana with a medianly attractive girl who can joke and have some fun with you. (Face it, fellow stud bulls, we're paying more than Mel Gibson would have to.) Now let's throw in 250 baht for ladies drinks, 300 baht for a short-time hotel room, and 500 baht as bar-fine. That's a grand total of $2,245.12 baht for the satisfaction of the One-eyed Wonder Worm. At 43 baht to the dollar that's - dadaaaaaah!!!! - a Cost-per-Knob of just $52.21 to put a smile on the face of the Bald-headed Butler. All in. And you don't have to discuss her feelings afterwards. Even if you did a personal best of 0 to 100 in 7.8 seconds so you could get back to watch the second half of the game!

So ladies and genitals, irrefutable proof of what you always thought: it's cheaper to buy a litre of milk as required rather than the whole cow. Paying for sex is cheaper. And the golden rule I'm dispensing for free here is this: if it flies, floats or fucks, you're better off renting it.

Cop you later,

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Hardship Posting - True tales of expat misadventure in Asia.
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