SURVIVAL GUIDE TO DRIVING IN ASIA
The Philippines | Indonesia
| India | Laos | Singapore
THE FILIPINO DRIVER GREETING:
When greeting a Filipino driver, slowly lower your window and be
Prepared to greet the driver with, "Tang namo, bobo."
However, if you have been already addressed by a fellow driver,
reply with a joyful, "Tang namo rin, gago."
ON TURN SIGNALS:
If a driver in another lane turns on the turn signal, do not let
him go into your lane. In fact, press the accelerator and start
driving right next to him/her. The fellow driver will probably greet
you and you already know what to do.
ON TRAFFIC LIGHTS:
These amusing artifacts hang from intersections for no apparent
reason. Sometimes you will see drivers stop to see the colors change
on these lights (a fascinating experience). Government officials
(specifically police) believe that each color stands for an instruction
for drivers to follow.
From pure observation I have determined the following instructions
for each color:
- Yellow light
- - accelerate your car as much as possible.
- Red light
- - this light gives permission to the next five to six cars to
go through.
- Green light
- - reduce speed and wait for the five to six cars passing through
their respective red lights.
Little-known-fact: Time to start honking
your horn, as soon as the light turns green = 1.5 seconds.
ON CHANGING LANES:
Changing lanes has been elevated to an art form in the Philippines.
First of all, no matter what you do, never ever turn on your turn
signal, otherwise you'll stimulate the reaction described above.
Second, swerve your car uncontrollably to the lane you want to
change, preferably if you end up within inches of a car in that
lane. At this point a greeting from the other driver may be in order.
To perfect your change of lanes, reduce the speed of your car dramatically
in a matter of seconds and you will see an action-packed reaction
from the car behind you.
ON TRAFFIC JAMS:
Traffic Jams are teeming with fun filled activities such as:
- Honking your horn rhythmically.
- Putting on make-up (usually female drivers only).
- Nose-pickers sightseeing (not to be confused with people who
scratch their brains through their nose).
- Reducing speed to watch whatever is causing the traffic jam.
Add excitement by trying to see if you know the parties involved.
(Note: Every Filipino driver is obliged to do this.)
- Losing weight by sweating like a pig as a result of a lack of
airconditioning.
- Greeting other drivers.
- Practicing lane changing.
- Playing the game: Let's see how close I can get to you before
rear-ending you.
ON PEDESTRIANS:
These individuals are an annoyance to the Filipino driver. If you
see pedestrians in your way, accelerate your car to let them know
who's the boss. If you are at an intersection, let the pedestrians
know you want to proceed by accelerating your car and honking at
the last possible moment.
ON SOCIAL SITUATIONS:
Bumping into a friend while driving (not to be taken literally)
is a joyful occasion. Drivers should reduce speed and stop their
cars in the middle of the street and chit chat. What about other
drivers? Well, they can wait.
ON HIGHWAY DRIVING:
Bottleneck Formation - To accomplish this type of driving, cars
must block all lanes by driving at the same speed and side by side
(to avoid other cars to pass). It is important to drive at a speed
at least 20 mph below the speed limit.
The Three-Lane-Change - This movement requires a lot of precision
and creativity. It should be done around the highest number of cars
possible and in a matter of seconds to create what others may refer
to as widespread panic.
HERE'S ANOTHER RULE FOR DRIVING IN THE PHILIPPINES
When the lanes going in your direction are jammed with cars, try
using the lanes from the oncoming traffic. They are probably not
occupied anyway because the oncoming cars are stuck as well. How
many of the other direction's lanes should you occupy? As long as
there are lanes from the other direction to occupy, go ahead and
take more lanes.
This move is sure to elicit previously mentioned greetings from
drivers of the oncoming cars (and some have been known to get down
from their cars to personally deliver the greeting to the out of
lane driver). 9 out of 10 times it's sure to make the traffic worse
but then, hey, there's that 1 in 10 chance that you might actually
get through sooner than all those law-abiding losers. Filipino drivers
think that that 1 in 10 chance is reason enough to risk their life
and limb and being profusely greeted (besides, you can always turn
up the windows and pretend that you don't hear the greeting from
the other drivers).
One of the first and most interesting things noted by new arrivals
is that Indonesian drivers are often to be found travelling on the
wrong side of the street. There is no need to be alarmed. It is
quite normal. In fact, every square inch of the street surface is
considered useable, including the sidewalks, in any direction. The
painted lines are considered basically as attractive municipal decorations,
nice to have, but of no real importance.
If you wish to plunge into the mechanical maelstrom that constitutes
traffic in Jakarta, you must adopt the simple and elegant Indonesian
philosophy that "Mine is the only car on the road, and I am
the only driver." Operating a vehicle under this philosophy
is simplicity itself. One simply proceeds as if the streets were
deserted, looking neither left nor right and CERTAINLY not in the
rear view mirror.
The screeching of brakes and blaring of horns are not your concern.
They relate entirely to some other dimension. If, on occasion, the
Jakarta driver is forced to acknowledge the presence of others,
for instance, while immobilised in the Indonesian version of a Mexican
stand-off, then the second phase of the Traffic Philosophy comes
into play: "I am a person of consequence, therefore, I shall
go first".
It should always be remembered that for a Jakarta driver the only
other traffic that exists anywhere on the planet is that directly
ahead of the driver's peripheral vision. If it cannot be seen, it
cannot possibly exist. Obviously, one strives to see as little as
possible. This leads to the next most obvious characteristic of
the Battle of Batavia, or, brinkmanship Jakarta style. The key is
to convince the other driver that you don't see him, while he tries
equally hard to convince you that he can't see you either. Both
vehicles leap for the same opening, both carefully ignoring the
other. The first to give way is clearly the lesser man and has lost
face entirely.
Never drive a new car in Jakarta. The normal decadent Western compulsion
to avoid dents will fatally weaken your driving technique, leaving
you trembling in terror at intersections, waiting for a tiny break
in the traffic so you can go home. The break - if it occurs at all
- will come at about 4.30 in the morning, between the end of the
evening rush and the beginning of the morning rush, which starts
around 4.31. The wisest course is to buy a large, heavy, ugly old
bomb, do up the engine and put in a nice interior with stereo and
air conditioning, but do nothing to the exterior, unless it is to
roughen up any remaining smooth spots with a sledge hammer.
Do not mess with Metro Minis or larger buses. They are in a completely
different league to the rest of us and serve the same purpose as
sharks in the sea, that is to ravage the slow, weak and hesitant.
The drivers of these battle wagons are the "black belts"
of the street, as verified by the physical condition of their vehicles.
Just watch the effortless ease of such a bus, if you can see it
through its own smoke, casually turning without the slightest warning
straight across four lanes of fast moving traffic. Always remember
that any such manouvre however insane is considered completely legal
provided that the conductor is hanging out of the left-hand door
and waving his arm downwards.
Concentration is critical. On main streets such as Jalan Sudirman,
you will encounter twenty thousand assorted vehicles happily travelling
no more than half a metre apart, at not less than 80km an hour.
A lapse in concentration of any more than a microsecond will have
you wedged completely off the road by a Kijang diving into the space
between you and the vehicle ahead, even if that space not quite
big enough. To avoid this, disregard everything you learned in driving
school and always tailgate the car in front. An allowance of more
than half a metre is viewed by local drivers as a fatal weakness
and exploited without mercy.
by Coen Jeukens, who is a functional Architect.
These hints are applicable to every place in India, except the
state of Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally
safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma
where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance
company. Hints:
Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both".
Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied.
In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then
proceed by occupying the next available gap. Adherence to road rules
leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't
drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't
you get discouraged or underestimate yourself - except for a belief
in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.
Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants
to cross the road. You may be bumped in the back. Pedestrians have
been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly
or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still
some idiots do try to wade across, but let us not talk ill of the
dead.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries.
We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare
lust (two brisk blasts), or, just to mobilize a dozing cow.
Keep books in the glove compartment to read during traffic jams,
while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for rainwaters
to recede.
Night driving is like Russian roulette - you do not know who amongst
the drivers is loaded. What looks like the premature dawn on the
horizon turns out to be a truck, attempting a land speed record.
On encountering it, pull partly into the field adjoining the road
until the phenomenon passes.
Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim
thing in the truck is the driver, and the peg of illicit arak he
had at the last stop. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India
-licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam
of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike,
but a truck approaching with a single light on, usually the left
one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate.
Of course, all this occurs at night, on trunk roads.
During the daytime, trucks are more visible except that the drivers
will never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals;
they are a greater threat.) You will often observe that the cleaner
who sits next to the driver will project his hand and wave hysterically.
This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn.
The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day,
or a gesture to a fellow trucker.
Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking
colored lights and sounds emanating from within. This is just a
bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at
breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting
with success.
One-way Street - These boards are put up by traffic people to
add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal
meaning. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed
in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout,
if you are the fussy type.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your
lessons between 8 pm and 11am - when the police have gone home.
The citizens then are free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined
in their constitution.
Having said all this, isn't it still true that the accident rate
and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries?!?
This is because in India they drive defensively, while most other
places people expect other drivers to follow the rules and that
is when accidents happen!
After being in Laos for a week, I was pretty sure you were allowed
to drive on both sides of the road. But a well-educated Lao gentleman
informed me that it was like America and Europe - you are supposed
to drive on the right hand side.
After observing this I realised that all Laos roads have an invisible
3rd lane.
This 3rd lane only comes into operation on hills and around corners.
Drivers in Laos will not pass on the flat when they are clear -
only when they can't see what's coming.
The bus drivers figure that as long as you have some kind of Buddhist
altar on your dashboard you'll be fine.
Singapore
Klaus Breddemann thought to share with you and our friends new
insights with respect to driving in Asia. As anybody knows, cars
are very expensive in Singapore. So, when I decided to empty my
bank account to below zero, I tried to get a handsome discount.
Driving in Asia for now 20 years, it took me not long to find out,
that certain car accessories like turning signals, side and rear
view mirror are not required at all for driving. They are but pure
and unnecessary luxury. Therefore I approached my car dealer and
suggested to take these items off the list of extras, anticipating
to reduce the price of the car considerably. How mistaken I was,
I found out soon, when my dealer went on a lecturing tour of how
important these items are in reality. These new insights changed
my perception of driving in Asia completely, realizing with horror
what ignoramus I had been for a long time.
Side Mirrors: This item is not to be used for checking on
traffic near the aft quarters of your car. Well, we all now about
those impertinent pedestrians demanding unreasonably their way of
right for example on a zebra crossing. Now with the side mirror
one is able to give him a nice slap with the side mirror when passing.
Just reminding him who is the boss. This avoids stopping the car
and giving him a piece of your mind. The traffic from behind will
thank you for that.
Rear View Mirrors: Forget the old joke of ladies checking
on their make up in this piece of equipment. No, Singapore, the
country of electronic gadgets and gimmicks shows again foresight,
which will take other countries decades to follow up. In the very
near future it will become compulsory for very car to have a VCD/DVD
player installed. Not only does it keep your screaming kids and
nagging wife/mistress quit while they are watching; you the driver,
will have the chance to follow the events on the screen too. Just
with the aid of your invaluable rear view mirror! This should keep
you alert at all time. Especially very useful when driving along
a boring road at night or on a tiring long trip into the asphalt
jungles of your neighboring country. Turning Signals Contrary to
common belief, one should NOT indicate the direction in which one
intends to go, but the opposite direction. Therefore alerting any
following car, that you may change your mind at the very last moment
and now intend to go somewhere else. This avoids without question
a dangerous traffic situation and you, the driver in the car behind,
will be grateful for the consideration given by the driver in front
of you.
I am relieved to say, that after this lecture I feel much better
now and I am driving my new car with refreshed confidence. I have
to finish my letter to you. The battery of my laptop is getting
weak and there is nobody with me in the car, who might help me with
inserting a fresh one. Oops - got THAT guy attempting to cross the
road on a green light.
If you have "driving and surviving" tips
from other countries/cities around Asia, send
them in. If they are not yours, please let us know who created
them so we can give due credit.
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