The Pleasure of Travel in The Philippines
I remember when I first arrived in the Philippines being excited
about the prospect of traveling around the Islands and seeing the
beautiful and spectacular sights. To be sure, the natural beauty
of the Philippines is outstanding.
I talked to several people about it, and was quite surprised to
hear that most people went overseas for vacations; very few stayed
or traveled in the Philippines. Somebody said to me "If you
want to go somewhere in the Philippines, you've got to really want
to go there". This phrase stuck in my head, and, sure enough,
over the years, I did indeed discover how difficult it can be traveling
in country. Anybody else who has spent 8 hours traveling from Makati
to Angeles City, a mere 95 KM, will tell you the same thing.
Well, I've been to Cebu, which is relatively easy, provided you
forget about the 3 - hour ride in traffic to the airport, the 1
hour delayed flight (everybody knows that Philippine Airlines -
PAL - actually means "Plane Always Late", right), the
arrival in Mactan Airport and fighting your way out through the
blind masseurs, blind guitarists, blind guitar salesmen, and apparently
blind customs and immigration staff, to get a taxi to town which
is also apparently driven by a blind taxi driver! Then you arrive
at your pre-booked 5-star hotel, where they are seemingly deaf and
blind, as well as forgetful and downright rude!
So, all in all, Cebu is not much of a challenge. Davao was more
fun - add all of the above to having to go round again on attempting
to land because of schoolchildren using the runway as a convenient
crossing point through the jungle on the way home. And of the course
the horrendous stench of rotting Durian fruit being sold every 3
yards at the airport.
Lets try going north and see what happens. Well, North of Angeles
City is the town of Baguio. Its about 260 KM North of Manila, but
we started out in Angeles, which as you already know is about 100
KM closer. We don't want to risk flying, and certainly wont trust
a bus driver to get us there safely, as they do have a habit of
driving their buses off the edge of the mountain on the way up.
So we drive. "Can't take long" says I, "we're almost
half way there from Manila already". But we decided to set
off early anyway, say around 7am, that way we can be sure of being
there by lunchtime, we'll get checked in to a hotel and have the
afternoon free for sightseeing.
Off we go, 3 adults, 4 kids, all looking forward to the great adventure.
3 hours later, we've made it almost to Tarlac (30 KM). 3 more hours
later we stop for lunch. Can't remember the name of the place, but
I do remember that we were about half way there. Naturally the kids
are a bit cranky by now, but me, cheerful as ever decide to plod
on. "No point turning back now" I say.
Let's cut a very long story short. We arrived at the foot of the
mountain road to Baguio at about 5 pm. "Only another hour or
so then, and we'll be there". NOT. About halfway up the mountain
the road is closed due to a recent rock fall. It's only 6 pm, maybe
we can find another way up before dark. We did, and arrived at our
hotel around 10 pm, utterly exhausted, kids screaming, but eventually
got to sleep and had a full 2 days to recover before turning round
and getting back home in a mere 7 hours.
That haunting phrase about "really wanting to go there"
was firmly stuck in my head now, and for the next 2 or 3 years we
always went overseas for our holidays. We did make a couple of minor
excursions to Puerto Gallera (100 km, 6 hours), La Union (150 km,
9 hours), Laguna (80 km, 5 hours), but apart from that rarely strayed
much further than Angeles City.
This year, having just about forgotten about the traveling nightmares,
I let myself get talked into taking the family to Boracay (What,
you've been here 6 years and haven't been to Boracay…you simply
must go).
This time I decided to research and plan the trip properly before
setting off. I checked all the airline schedules and chose "Asian
Spirit" based on several recommendations. Asian Spirit flies
directly into Caticlan instead of Kalibo. From Kalibo it's a 2-hour
bus drive to Caticlan where you get the boat to Boracay. So far
so good. Flights booked.
Next, a hotel. Well, I know of a guy who has a hotel in Boracay
- a friend of a friend - so I call him. He's an English guy, must
have his act together, so we'll stay there. Hotel booked. "This
is too easy, something's bound to go wrong," I think.
But, well, I've planned everything; lets just go over the details:
12 noon: Taxi booked to pick us up at home; our flight is at 3pm,
lets allow 2 hours to the airport, just to be safe. We've booked
a "Tamaraw" taxi which seats 10, this is ample room for
4 adults, 4 kids plus baggage.
Flight 3pm. Arrive Caticlan 4pm, where Mr. X will meet us with
transport to the boat, where we have pre-booked a private bancas
to take us the 10 minute boat ride to Boracay Island.
When we get there we have transport waiting at the beach to take
us to the hotel, which is run by an Englishman (Mr. X), what could
possibly go wrong? Nothing, right? Wrong!
Here's what actually happened:
The taxi arrived almost on time, so we're off to a good start.
We load up; we're on the way. 5 minutes into the journey the aircon
stops working! Could this be a bad omen? We're on Roxas Boulevard
within 20 minutes, won't have to put up with the heat much longer,
and we'll be at the airport in plenty of time.
We're proceeding along Roxas, the driver has a brain fart and takes
the wrong turning. Now we're in a traffic jam behind Roxas. The
heat is stifling, the kids are yelling. It's beginning to stink.
Opening the window doesn't help, in fact its worse because now we
have the fumes as well as the heat. "We must endure".
Eventually we get out of the jam and unload at the airport at 2.35pm!!!
We pay, rush through, dripping, stinking and entirely pissed off,
but hey, we're at the airport…that's the main thing.
We arrive in the departure hall to be told "don't worry, no
rush, the flight is delayed by 1 hour". Well well, what a surprise.
1 hour proved to be optimistic. We finally board at 5pm, then taxi
out to the runway in this airplane that looks like it really ought'nt
to be able to fly. Then we sit. And sit. And sit. Naturally, no
aircon, as if we didn't stink enough already. But eventually we
take off. Its 5.25, and I manage to get one more phone call to Mr.
X on my mobile to let him know what time we will arrive. Then promptly
fall asleep.
I wake up as the wheels touch down, look out the window at the
most beautiful red sunset and think "well, maybe it wasn't
so bad after all". But I'm in for a couple more surprises.
As we're walking towards the terminal I think to myself "wow,
this airport is well developed for a provincial one, and what are
those tall buildings over there?" I ask one of the passengers
if they know what town that is? "No, but maybe Kalibo?"
they wonder back at me. It turns out we're wrong by miles. Yep,
you guessed - it's the buildings of Makati glittering in the distance
- we've landed back in Manila. They just neglected to mention it
to anybody.
So now we're in the arrivals area looking for our bags. I find
an "Asian Spirit" rep. who tells me "just go to the
office, they will take care of everything". Foolishly I believed
him. We trudge to the Asian Spirit office, a 10 minute walk, to
be confronted by every other passenger from the 'plane, and 2 confused
looking teenage girls behind the counter.
Let's keep this bit real short by telling you that we finally got
home at 9.30 pm with replacement tickets on a different airline
2 days later, and the princely sum of PhP 150 (about $US 3.50) as
compensation.
I've naturally kept Mr. X informed throughout, and he tells us
not to worry, same plan for 2 days from now. Again, foolishly, I
believe him.
2 days later we set off, and make it to Caticlan with no more trouble
than the usual traffic jam, delayed flight, and sitting on the runway
for half hour with no aircon. But, nonetheless, here we are in Caticlan,
and the amazing Mr. X is there to meet us. Mr. X, who I am meeting
for the first time, looks like an ageing hippy with his psychedelic
t-shirt and pony tail, but who am I to judge, I'm just pleased to
see him.
"Transports waiting outside", he says, so outside we
go. No transport. He starts running around like the proverbial headless
chicken, comes back and tells us "He was here just now…this
has never happened before, don't worry, lets sit and have a beer,
I'm sure he'll be right back". First good idea I've heard,
so I agree, and we're into the San Miguel. Meanwhile he dispatches
somebody to go and find transport. Bear in mind that throughout
the whole affair there's the wife, her sister, her friend, and 4
kids aged 12, 11, 5 & 2, all wondering in their own little way
"What the fuck is going on here?"
Eventually along come 2 tricycles, the preferred mode of transport
in Caticlan, and off we go to the harbour where the boat is waiting,
with me hanging off the back of one of the tricycles. We arrive
at the harbour to discover "The boats not here…he was
here just now, this has never happened before…let's sit and
have a beer, I'm sure he'll be right back". So we're back into
the piss, along comes the boat after a little while, and Mr. X is
happy again.
We're in the boat, 10 minutes later we're wading ashore from the
beach, kids, bags and all, but no problem, the transport will be
waiting for us. Guess what?
"The transport is not here…he was here just now, and
I told him to wait. This has never happened before, let's sit and
have a beer etc etc." We've only been off the plane an hour,
and Mr. X has had 3 good ideas already, I'm actually starting to
like the bloke!
We eventually arrive at the "hotel" and are guided to
our rooms…at the top of about 200 steps on a hillside. The
room is not airconned, but of course we're getting used to that
by now. The next 3 days are purgatory, with insects eating the ceiling
and showering us with wood chippings all night, every night. No
menu - "lets just see what's in the ref - Shrimps and rice
OK for breakfast?" And every other fucking meal we had in the
place!
"Water…oh yes, we have that sometimes, just let us know
when you want some and we'll see what we can do - what? - hot water
- hmmmmm, now that's a new idea!"
The whole time we're there, the bed wasn't made, the towels weren't
changed, the room wasn't cleaned. We put in some laundry on the
day we arrived, the day we left they fished it out of a bucket of
cold water, gave it back to us and said "sorry, we forgot".
Mr. X on the other hand had a whale of a time…I didn't know
he drank piss until I saw him sober once! And what's that funny
smell every time he lights up a cigarette?
One day, he kindly booked us a boat ride around the island. We
all jump on board and out to sea we go. It's a sail boat, no engine
by the way. We get about a mile out, the wind dies, and we're stuck.
"That's never happened before", says he, "never mind,
lets sit & have a beer". Then, "Oh fuck, no beer".
"Good idea, wrong place" says I.
We got home after our 4 - day visit, and universally agreed the
following:
- We need a holiday
- Mr. X is a cunt
- Boracay is very beautiful, but….
- "If you want to go there, you've got to REALLY WANT TO
GO THERE"
Our next holiday will be in Thailand.
Contributed by Tony Gillingham, based on years of driving
himself around Manila and the provinces:
- When the rainy season is upon us, many roads get flooded and
Jeepneys travel in the middle of the road. This is an important
moment for all private car drivers and particularly those with
SUVs, who should now drive up the flooded inside and help the
jeepney driver by washing out the basura left by his uncaring
passengers, with the spray from their wheels.
- Pedestrians are also assisted during the rainy season by mororists
washing their feet as they pass.
- During all seasons (wet and dry) jeepneys will stop in front
of you, without any warning and disgorge their passenger(s) directly
infront of all approaching vehicles. Private cars doing the same
infront of jeepneys, taxis, FXs (mega taxis) and buses will always
illicite a friendly greeting from these PUJ & PUV drivers.
- When deciding to turn left or right, you should always position
your vehicle in the furthest lane from the turning you wish to
enter.
- Correction to instructions regarding traffic lights: Many traffic
lights no longer use the red light, because the bulb has blown
or is used for the green light. If you are lucky and if no light
is showing, you should accelerate to beat the traffic from the
opposite direction.
- Turning left: usually there is a single left turn lane, which
should be
ignored by making as many parallel left turn lanes as possible.
Extra points are awarded if you can block the junction as well.
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